I love this. I think there is an enormous cohort of semi-begrudging sluts and non-monogamous people who just find themselves in that position and integrate it into their lives. “Well, I guess we’re non-monogamous now,” they say. And then they get on with their lives.
I wish we heard more from those people, instead of the shrieking neurotics who write op-eds for The New Yorker.
Thank you! Yes, I think we give ordinary people too little credit for what they are able to figure out for themselves. And we can observe that people will make a range of compromises that we need not shame or glamorise.
As a formerly polyamorous person (6 years or so), I would say 5, 6 and 8.
Polyamory sounds like a good idea on paper but honestly I think it's more trouble than it's worth. Despite all the talk of consent and being evolved, in my experience, polyamorous people aren't any better about these things than the general population. Often times, they are worse.
It also feels like an upper middle class subculture. My experience was seeing mostly white, middle class people who are average or below average attractiveness using it as a socially acceptable way to "step out". Most were childless and those who did have kids probably mostly did their kids a disservice by being involved in that lifestyle.
Overall, I still like the idea and I'm not ruling it out for myself forever, but it reminds me of that Simpsons episode where Homer accidentally married another woman. He remarks that someone with two knives is happy, not two wives. It's often the bad parts of relationships that grow exponentially and not the good parts.
Thanks for reading! I do think the dynamics are quite different in gay and straight subcultures (although it is, of course, a spectrum). Gays and straights seem to be having opposite problems these days: gays have long known how to do polyamory so now they are fucking up with monogamy, the straights the same but in reverse).
Interesting way of looking at it. I'm (sort of) bisexual so I saw it from both sides. When I was in my early 20s dating men, there was often a de facto polyamory that I saw/experienced. When I was polyamorous in a straight relationship I sometimes encounterd gay poly people but the subcultures were always pretty sepearate.
I’m monogamous and will always be so…and monotheist but I think more by chance. (Or maybe not—it might be a personality thing.)
Polyamory seems fine to me. I can see it would solve certain problems for people. Perhaps in the end it will solve problems for societies, as families get smaller and children more difficult to raise. Maybe it would be a way of increasing bonds that people need with more individuals, which will be a form of collective security that larger families once supplied.
It might make more problems for people, I don’t know. But if it does, they can always switch to monogamy, right?
I don’t understand why this is a big deal in this day and age. We accept ‘serial monogamy’ and also ‘non-exclusive dating’ (or many of us do) so why would we not accept a type of relationship which is more structured but involves non-exclusivity? People are not upset by the sex part but are upset by the ‘bonding’ part? (I assume the difference is that the non-exclusivity also involves types of bonds that monogamy has.) What could be bad about bonding? Another benefit for some people might be that they will not be left alone when they lose their partner. It reduces that particular risk of rejection.
What ARE they upset about? The only thing I can imagine that would raise an issue is that, if it becomes a more dominant form of relationship, people will feel pressure not to do monogamy. That is, if you want to have a monogamous relationship with someone they might prefer a polyamorous relationship. So this will foil the expectation of monogamy which is important for people to satisfy their desire for monogamy.
That’s the only thing I can imagine would pose a difficulty for others. It’s probably easy to justify a preference for polyamory because people naturally assume being with more people will satisfy one’s desires. How do you justify the desire for monogamy? Most people who have this desire do not fully understand why they have it, and rely on religious arguments to justify it. However, people who have long monogamous relationships —even if they cannot explain it—would simply say ‘it is because this particular bond required monogamy.’ You don’t have the bond in advance so you can only say you are shooting for it, and might not get it. It will be hard to explain to people what ‘it’ is that you get because it is mostly something you may or may not experience, not something that is an inherent feature of every monogamous relationship.
Perhaps the issue of children comes up for some people if the assumption is the ties are looser. So if any families come to exist where you have two dads and three moms or whatnot, then the looseness of the bond would imperil the parent-child relationship with the adults who are the parents. But these problems also arise in monogamous relationships where parents are not reliable.
I am expecting it will be much the same as monogamy where some people will have good experiences and other people will have bad experiences. I guess we will find out.
It's interesting that you seem so open to the idea of polyamory, yet certain that you will always be monogamous. My case is the reverse: I have many misgivings about contemporary poly culture, but non-monogamy feels natural to me at this point in my life (which doesn't mean I don't rule out being monogamous again).
Perhaps the concept of "sociosexuality" should be more widely known. Considering mono/poly as an orientation similar to hetero/homo (with various shades of grey inbetween) might be helpful to consider when assessing compatibility with a potential partner.
I agree that we need to somehow re-invigorate social bonds, but I'm not sure whether polyamory alone will be up to the task. It seems to me that we need a broader movement towards investing in long-term friendships. Perhaps a moderate poly agenda simply asserts that we shouldn't preclude these friendships from having an erotic component.
And I'm not so sure that people are not upset by the sex part. It seems to me that, on balance, young people have become more sexually inhibited in my lifetime (blame porn or the apps, its probably a bit of both). And it sounds like hetero men and women are finding it increasingly difficult to find each other attractive. I think these are more fundamental issues than monogamy per se.
I think there are at least two very different reasons for a desire of monogamy. The first is no desire for non-monogamy on your own part. The second is not wanting your partner to engage in non-monogamy. Jealousy and insecurity may not be the noblest of feelings, but they are very natural, as natural as the desire to have sex with other people and can indeed occur strongly in the same person (a "Biblical Patriarch" according to the poly compass my gen Z boyfriend shared with me).
And I agree with your conclusion - people will have good and bad experiences with both. So we should seek out the good in each.
LOL that's the only thing that makes polyamory seem tempting. Then you would have another friend! Maybe even more than one!
I am with someone who is the perfect balance to me, personality wise. However I have flaws. My life partner also has similar flaws (or maybe he got these flaws from me). Wouldn't it be amazing if we added another person who was somehow a contrast--with a different kind of personality who would be an extra balance.
What we NEED is a best friend. Maybe we would grow more as people or something or other like that. We could get more family.
The reason I know I will always be monogamous is that we are very happy together and we have something very special. There's no reason to mess with it.
I guess the other bit would be the extra babies you might be able to have. Maybe the other person could have a baby. How fun would that be?
But why make things more complicated when things are good? It kind of makes me think about moving houses. Our house is super crappy but I don't want to move houses because it would take up time and there are other things to do with that time. And people are a million times more complicated than moving houses. Who knows what kind of craziness you can get into with people?
I love this. I think there is an enormous cohort of semi-begrudging sluts and non-monogamous people who just find themselves in that position and integrate it into their lives. “Well, I guess we’re non-monogamous now,” they say. And then they get on with their lives.
I wish we heard more from those people, instead of the shrieking neurotics who write op-eds for The New Yorker.
Thank you! Yes, I think we give ordinary people too little credit for what they are able to figure out for themselves. And we can observe that people will make a range of compromises that we need not shame or glamorise.
Agreed.
As a formerly polyamorous person (6 years or so), I would say 5, 6 and 8.
Polyamory sounds like a good idea on paper but honestly I think it's more trouble than it's worth. Despite all the talk of consent and being evolved, in my experience, polyamorous people aren't any better about these things than the general population. Often times, they are worse.
It also feels like an upper middle class subculture. My experience was seeing mostly white, middle class people who are average or below average attractiveness using it as a socially acceptable way to "step out". Most were childless and those who did have kids probably mostly did their kids a disservice by being involved in that lifestyle.
Overall, I still like the idea and I'm not ruling it out for myself forever, but it reminds me of that Simpsons episode where Homer accidentally married another woman. He remarks that someone with two knives is happy, not two wives. It's often the bad parts of relationships that grow exponentially and not the good parts.
Thanks for reading! I do think the dynamics are quite different in gay and straight subcultures (although it is, of course, a spectrum). Gays and straights seem to be having opposite problems these days: gays have long known how to do polyamory so now they are fucking up with monogamy, the straights the same but in reverse).
Interesting way of looking at it. I'm (sort of) bisexual so I saw it from both sides. When I was in my early 20s dating men, there was often a de facto polyamory that I saw/experienced. When I was polyamorous in a straight relationship I sometimes encounterd gay poly people but the subcultures were always pretty sepearate.
Anyway, interesting piece!
I’m monogamous and will always be so…and monotheist but I think more by chance. (Or maybe not—it might be a personality thing.)
Polyamory seems fine to me. I can see it would solve certain problems for people. Perhaps in the end it will solve problems for societies, as families get smaller and children more difficult to raise. Maybe it would be a way of increasing bonds that people need with more individuals, which will be a form of collective security that larger families once supplied.
It might make more problems for people, I don’t know. But if it does, they can always switch to monogamy, right?
I don’t understand why this is a big deal in this day and age. We accept ‘serial monogamy’ and also ‘non-exclusive dating’ (or many of us do) so why would we not accept a type of relationship which is more structured but involves non-exclusivity? People are not upset by the sex part but are upset by the ‘bonding’ part? (I assume the difference is that the non-exclusivity also involves types of bonds that monogamy has.) What could be bad about bonding? Another benefit for some people might be that they will not be left alone when they lose their partner. It reduces that particular risk of rejection.
What ARE they upset about? The only thing I can imagine that would raise an issue is that, if it becomes a more dominant form of relationship, people will feel pressure not to do monogamy. That is, if you want to have a monogamous relationship with someone they might prefer a polyamorous relationship. So this will foil the expectation of monogamy which is important for people to satisfy their desire for monogamy.
That’s the only thing I can imagine would pose a difficulty for others. It’s probably easy to justify a preference for polyamory because people naturally assume being with more people will satisfy one’s desires. How do you justify the desire for monogamy? Most people who have this desire do not fully understand why they have it, and rely on religious arguments to justify it. However, people who have long monogamous relationships —even if they cannot explain it—would simply say ‘it is because this particular bond required monogamy.’ You don’t have the bond in advance so you can only say you are shooting for it, and might not get it. It will be hard to explain to people what ‘it’ is that you get because it is mostly something you may or may not experience, not something that is an inherent feature of every monogamous relationship.
Perhaps the issue of children comes up for some people if the assumption is the ties are looser. So if any families come to exist where you have two dads and three moms or whatnot, then the looseness of the bond would imperil the parent-child relationship with the adults who are the parents. But these problems also arise in monogamous relationships where parents are not reliable.
I am expecting it will be much the same as monogamy where some people will have good experiences and other people will have bad experiences. I guess we will find out.
Thanks for your comment!
It's interesting that you seem so open to the idea of polyamory, yet certain that you will always be monogamous. My case is the reverse: I have many misgivings about contemporary poly culture, but non-monogamy feels natural to me at this point in my life (which doesn't mean I don't rule out being monogamous again).
Perhaps the concept of "sociosexuality" should be more widely known. Considering mono/poly as an orientation similar to hetero/homo (with various shades of grey inbetween) might be helpful to consider when assessing compatibility with a potential partner.
I agree that we need to somehow re-invigorate social bonds, but I'm not sure whether polyamory alone will be up to the task. It seems to me that we need a broader movement towards investing in long-term friendships. Perhaps a moderate poly agenda simply asserts that we shouldn't preclude these friendships from having an erotic component.
And I'm not so sure that people are not upset by the sex part. It seems to me that, on balance, young people have become more sexually inhibited in my lifetime (blame porn or the apps, its probably a bit of both). And it sounds like hetero men and women are finding it increasingly difficult to find each other attractive. I think these are more fundamental issues than monogamy per se.
I think there are at least two very different reasons for a desire of monogamy. The first is no desire for non-monogamy on your own part. The second is not wanting your partner to engage in non-monogamy. Jealousy and insecurity may not be the noblest of feelings, but they are very natural, as natural as the desire to have sex with other people and can indeed occur strongly in the same person (a "Biblical Patriarch" according to the poly compass my gen Z boyfriend shared with me).
And I agree with your conclusion - people will have good and bad experiences with both. So we should seek out the good in each.
LOL that's the only thing that makes polyamory seem tempting. Then you would have another friend! Maybe even more than one!
I am with someone who is the perfect balance to me, personality wise. However I have flaws. My life partner also has similar flaws (or maybe he got these flaws from me). Wouldn't it be amazing if we added another person who was somehow a contrast--with a different kind of personality who would be an extra balance.
What we NEED is a best friend. Maybe we would grow more as people or something or other like that. We could get more family.
The reason I know I will always be monogamous is that we are very happy together and we have something very special. There's no reason to mess with it.
I guess the other bit would be the extra babies you might be able to have. Maybe the other person could have a baby. How fun would that be?
But why make things more complicated when things are good? It kind of makes me think about moving houses. Our house is super crappy but I don't want to move houses because it would take up time and there are other things to do with that time. And people are a million times more complicated than moving houses. Who knows what kind of craziness you can get into with people?
Just as there is a temptation to buy a timeshare for a property one can’t afford, there is a temptation to share a partner one can’t afford.
People tend to regret buying timeshares no matter how good the sales pitch was.
Interesting perspective, although I don't think a partner should be viewed as analogous to property!